While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. “If you get a train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?”

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, “Another train.”

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, “I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it’s decorated or not!!”

After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.

“That’s a bit much,” said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.

Bob complained, “That’s still a lot of money.”

Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.

Bob grew even more restless and replied, “No no… What I mean is I’d like to see something really cheap!”

So the clerk handed him a mirror!!

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, “What are you being prosecuted for?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s not a crime,” replied Judge Judy.

“How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” replied the defendant!!

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

“Dear Jesus,” he wrote. “If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won’t fight with my brother Hank for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

“Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace.

What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening just before opening presents, the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’

The boy replied, ‘I think I’ll give your sermon a miss. If you don’t even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?’

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I pray for a new bicycle!”
“I pray for a new Nintendo!”
“I pray for a new VCR!”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.“

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!“