KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

ROM – Where the pope lives

SCSI – What you call your week-old underwear

CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

BAR CODE – Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern

BUG – The reason you give for calling in sick

DIGITAL – The art of counting on your fingers

CRASH – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited

ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

MAC – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food

TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker

DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer

HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

SCREEN – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SUPERCONDUCTOR – Amtrak’s Employee of the year

One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.

After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.

One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, “Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?”

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam’s rib.

This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbours cat.
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please…. DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs.

“The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!”

The employee was a little confused and didn’t know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him…he’d never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. “Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it…”

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people’s computers.

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry