A computer was something on TV. From a science-fiction show of note. Window was something you hated to clean. And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend. And gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things. And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 – inch floppy. You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage. Not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public. You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider’s home. And a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper. And the memory in my head. I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they’ll wish they were dead.

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, “I’ve called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he’s blowing up the world tommorrow.”

So, Bill Clinton went back and said, “Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he’s blowing up the world tommorrow.”

Colon Powell went back and said, “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he’s blowing up the world tommorrow.

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, ” I have some good news and some good news.

The first part of the good news is I’ve been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.”

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot’s sign said, “Where am I?” in large letters.

The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, “You are in a helicopter.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “You are in a helicopter” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!”

Girls are like an internet virus:

They enter your life,

Scan your pockets,

Transfer your money,

Edit your mind,

Download their problems and

Delete your smile

So please download the software SayNoToGirls.EXE to save your life otherwise the hardisk of your heart may crash.

Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support : “What does it say?”

Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”

Customer : “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!”

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?”

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!”. So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define great he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger”.

We are happy to report that the young man achieved his lofty goal. He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.

The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?”

Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.

The Genie says, Let me see that map again.

John once wanted to transfer some files form one PC to another. Following was the steps followed by him.

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file.

4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

Letter to Mr.Bill Gates from A Blonde

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears. We face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor (a red-headed) and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.