News alert! Multiple sources are now reporting that Canadian scientists have recently developed a long-awaited cure for dehydration.

This new substance, which scientists refer to as H20, has the remarkable capability to relieve people of hydrational deficiencies they may have contracted, however, that isn’t all it can do.

Representatives from the Canadian Science Administration say it can also be used as a preventative medication.

“Most medications will either cure or prevent a medical complication,” said CSA research director Patrick Wells, “but rarely will you find a single substance which can do both.”

CSA scientist Karen Swartzbaugh recomends that healthy adults drink approximately eight glasses of H20 per day, which, she says, can reduce your risk of dehydrating by nearly 97%.

H20 is expected to hit store shelves as soon as someone realizes they can get rich by selling something that comes through a tap in your kitchen.

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Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

Me: “Okay, hold please.”

(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

Lady: “12-21-1969.”

(I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

Lady: “NO!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

(She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

Lady: “That’s not me.”

Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

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2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. It’s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they’ll be there in 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink?’’ the doctor says.
“AFTER the police get here,’’ replies the lawyer.

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Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

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Completing his exam, the doctor told his patient, “Your heart is very sound. With a heart like that, you should live to be 80 years old.”

The patient replied, “But doctor, I’m 82 years old!”

Smiling, the doctor replied “See? What did I tell you!”

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The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” replied the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas A&M. “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Aggie replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

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Kendra had to go in and have her yearly physical done. When the doctor remarked on her extraordinarily ruddy complexion, Kendra replied, “High blood pressure, Doctor. It comes from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor inquired.

“Neither,” Kendra replied. “It’s from my husbands family.”

“Oh, come now,” the doctor replied. “How could your husband’s family give you high blood pressure?”

Kendra sighed, “You ough to meet them sometime, Doctor!”

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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it. “Don’t worry about a thing, nurse,” the doctor assured her. “He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

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The patient demanded, “Doctor, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.”

”What?” yelled the doctor. “Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants.”

“Well,” explained the patient, “my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized.”

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