The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

“It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading instructions.”

“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.”

There is a half glass of scotch on a table.

The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, “What’s the question?”

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying.

The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.

As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said, “Lord, I am an engineer.”

…and the Lord sat down and cried with him.

One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The engineer walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, “Very well! How about this? Let’s have a man-making contest.”

The man replied, “Okay, great!” But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The engineers said, “Sure, no problem.” He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!”

There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, “You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!”

The engineer replied, “That’s no problem, I can live with that.” He then said, “For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri.”

“OK”, said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. “But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris,” the genie told the engineer.

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, “For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks.” So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, “remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million bucks.”

The engineer was non-committal and then said, “I always wished I could donate a kidney!”

If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results,
If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert,
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are
If you own “Official Star Trek” anything
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX2-50

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, “Where did you get the plans for this ship?”
He was told, “We have our own staff of engineers.”
He disdainfully replied: “Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952.”

Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann’s plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: “We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?”
Von Neumann replied, “Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem – I treated that in my paper of 1954.”

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” “Yeah,” replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other women and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Law #1: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.

Law #2: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.

Law #3: Salespeople’s claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.

Law #4: The rule for engineers: “Change the data to fit the curve.”

Law #5: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.

Law #6: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

Law #7: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.

Law #8: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.

Law #9: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Law #10: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”