Q: Why did the farmer receive an award?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field (out standing in his field)

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer’s wife says, “Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?”

“Yes Ma, I reckon I do,” replied the sleepy farmer.

“Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol’ kiss. Why don’t you ever do that?”

The farmer sighed and said, “Well, I reckon I can, but I just don’t know her very well.”

The barn at Larry and Susan’s farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”
Agent: “Wait just a minute, Susan… it doesn’t work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

Susan, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said “that must be a deep hole…let’s throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom.” The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woo

The two brothers were sat in the Solicitor’s waiting room waiting for Father’s will to be read. An argument started as to which of them was the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited into the office.

After a few preliminaries including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends the important bit came – who would inherit the farm.

The solicitor took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother and said “Well John, the farm is yours”. John turned to his brother, “see” he said ” I told you you were the favourite”

“Daisy, have you heard?”

“Moo. Heard what Buttercup?”

“There’s going to be a Farmers Market at the town hall next week.”

“That’s good, let’s sell our farmer and see if we can get a better one.”

Question: Why did the cockerel play in the rush-hour traffic?
A. To show he wasn’t chicken.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it’s too far to go round.

Question: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
Answer: The outside.

Question: What do you call a chicken wearing a shell-suit?
Answer: An egg.

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

Farmer: “Yeah, I want one those dayvorce’s.”

Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds?”

Farmer: “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

Attorney: “No you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

Farmer: “No I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

Attorney: “No, you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge.”

Farmer: “Yea, I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

Attorney: “No, no, do you have a suit?”

Farmer: “Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays.”

Attorney: “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

Farmer: “No sire, we both get up about 4:30.”

Attorney: “Well is she a nagger or anything?”

Farmer: “No she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I want this Dayvorce!”

A father from Europe is visiting his son in America for the very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up and down the aisles.

Dad: “Vas diss, powdered orange juice?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh orange juice!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: “Und vas dis, powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: “Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! Dey take da fun outta everything!”

A British had come to Belfast for some skydiving and viewing on Sunday.

Towards the evening he was spotted by a farmer, entangled atop a dense tree hanging and struggling to stay survived with an unopened parachute on his back.

“What happened?” yelled the farmer from below.

“Well, the parachute was closed and did not open.” Tormenting British cried.

“You nitwit,” said the farmer, “if you had asked anyone here before jumping they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.”