Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.

Q. Why cant men get mad cow disease?
A. Because theyre all pigs.

Q. Why do men like love at first site?
A. It saves them a lot of time.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!” To which he calmly replied, “I am. Thats why she cuts the grass!”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “Whats the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “Whats a man, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds g reat,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “Whats that, Lord?” “Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says: “So you would love her.”

“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”

God says: “So she would love you.”

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.” The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

1. You are male, therefore you want quality.

2. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

3. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

4. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

5. “Love” is not in your vocabulary. don’t even think about saying it.

6. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.

7. Lie.

8. Feelings? What feelings?

9. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.

10. Good break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

1. Be early for everything or don’t show up at all.

2. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s local.

3. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her, when you’re with your friends.

4. Watch WWE Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

5. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions “love” or “commitment.”

6. Lie. (true story.)

7. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.

8. General Rule: Different is BAD.

9. If anyone asks you for a favor… make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you’ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

10. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

1. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

2. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!

3. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

4. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – don’t ask.

5. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

6. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not giving up on her.

7. Lie.

8. Drink Vernors.

9. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

10. Say things like, “Wha…?”

How are men like carpet tiles?

If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone…”