This guy calls his wife at work and says, “Don’t worry, I’m fine and the damage is minimal.”

She says, “Oh my gosh, what happened?”

He says, “I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield.”

“How much damage did it do?” she asked.

“Minimal, however I did get a ticket.”

“A ticket how did you get that?”

“Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.”

“What for?” she asked, “Damaging his windshield?”
“No, for flipping him the bird!”

A man walks into the sheriff’s office…. “I want to become a deputy!”

“Good, I want to you to catch this man” says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads: ‘Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.’

“What’s he wanted for?” asked the hopeful young man.

“Rustling.”

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.

The officer asked, “Can you describe the person who did this to you?”

The Irishman replied, “That’s what I was doing when he hit me.”

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
“You just won’t believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Oh yes dear, what happened?”

“I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.”

“Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?”

“Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

Three men were trying out for the FBI.
The testing agent approached the three men with a gun. He pointed to a door and said, “We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife.”
The first man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door. The others listened for gunshots, but heard nothing. A while later, the man came out of the room, crying, “I can’t shoot my wife. I love her!”

The second man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door behind him. The others again listened for gunshots, but again heard only silence. The man came out, bawling, and said, “I can’t shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!”

The third man said, “Gimme the danged gun.” He snatched the weapon, and marched in the room. It took no time at all to hear: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

That was followed by all sorts of banging noise, screams, and then finally cold silence.

The man emerged from the room, sweating profusely, and barked, “You didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! So I had to beat her to death with a chair.”

A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.

The cop asked, “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour?”

“If I could,” the drunk said, “I’d be home by now!”

Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head. One cop looks at the other and utters, “Worst case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

The cross-eyed policeman was questioning three cross-eyed suspects.

He turned to the first cross-eyed suspect, and said, “What’s your name?”

And the second cross-eyed suspect said, “I wasn’t talking to you,” and the third cross-eyed suspect said, “I didn’t say anything.”

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she’d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: “Do you know where your going?”

Blonde: “No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people are leaving.