A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding.

When he asks for the driver’s license, the driver argued, “Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me.”

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

LAPD Answer: We don’t know, but give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 201.

Already there, is a long-time resident who looks a 100 years old or more. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”

“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops.

The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, “Earl.”

“You got a last name, Earl?”

“Nope. It’s a long story, Officer.”

“I got time.”
Earl sighs and says, “Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I’m now just Earl.”

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”

The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”

The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, “SPEED TRAP AHEAD”.

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted “TIPS” and a bucket of change.

One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever — since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones.

Extending the dolphins’ lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat.

So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.

“Officer,” he said, “what’s going on?”

“You’re under arrest,” said the policeman.

“But why?” he asked.

The policeman replied, “For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing.
The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, “What do you think you’re doing?”

After a moment the man replied, … “Well, I’ve always wanted to strike a happy medium.”

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”