An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.

It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’”

Letter from Husband to Wife

Dear Sweetheart,

I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband

Wife’s Response

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ………..

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

Hubby – You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife – When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby – You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife – Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”

Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”

Johnson: “But I want you to.”

Wife: “But why?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

“Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”

To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.”