If elected, I will win.
- Pat Paulsen

You can’t buy love on eBay.
- Anonymous

They misunderestimated me.
- George Bush

I will veto every single beer.
- John McCain

A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
- Dan Quayle

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.
- Cher

You’d think he was running for First Lady.
– Bill Clinton

Politics makes estranged bedfellows.
- Goodman Ace

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
- Lester Pearson

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S Truman

If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.
- Ronald Reagan

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
- Anonymous

Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?
- George Bush

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
- Anonymous

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
- George Bush

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- Dan Quayle

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Dan Quayle

In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits.
- Hillary Clinton

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
- Herbert Hoover

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
- Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!
- Anonymous

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- George Stephanopoulos

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Dr. Henry Kissinger

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
- Will Rogers

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
- Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
- Cathy Carlyle

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
- Robert Byrne

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
- Anonymous

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
- Cecilia Egan

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
- Alben W. Barkley

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
- Ronald Reagan

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
- George W. Bush

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
- Bill Clinton

The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bullshit.
- Lars Erik Nelson

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
- Robin Williams

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
- Anonymous

French President Charles de Gaulle China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- George Bernard Shaw

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.
- Anonymous

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Dan Quayle

Don’t get excited about a tax cut. It’s like a mugger giving you back fare for a taxi.
- Arnold Glasow

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
- Jon Stewart

I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around.
— George Bush

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- Oscar Wilde

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- Hillary Clinton

The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war.
- Bill Clinton

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone

There ought to be one day — just one — where there is open season on senators.
- Will Rogers

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
- Frank Dane

The government’s income policy is as significant as a blush on a dead man’s cheek.
- Clive Jenkins

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
- Nikita Khrushchev

One thing I can say about George…he may not be able to keep a job, but he’s not boring.
- Barbara Bush

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw

See, Barack’s been talking down to black people on this faith-based…I want to cut his nuts off.
- Jesse Jackson

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
- Cher

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
- PJ O’Rourke

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow

I’m honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales.
- George Bush

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
- G.B. Shaw

Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.
- Ronald Reagan

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
- Aristotle

I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality.
– President Bush

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
- Len Deighton

I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?
- Sarah Palin

If there is such a thing as karma, let’s hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
- Bill Maher

Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else.
- Lyndon B Johnson

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- Anonymous

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.
- Hillary Clinton

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When you become senile, you won’t know it.
- Bill Cosby

I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type.
- Bob Hope

I’ve only got one wrinkle and I’m sitting on it.
- Jeanne Calment

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Maurice Chevalier

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
- Robert Quillen

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
- Pierre August Renoir

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
- Milton Berle

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby

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Mothers are all slightly insane.
- J.D. Salinger

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
- Ed Asner

Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.
- Peter Ustinov

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
- Milton Berle

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
- Franklin P.Jones

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
- Bill Cosby

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
- Doug Larson

In automobile terms, the child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
- Benjamin Spock

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
- Lane Olinhouse

I got caught kissing. Like by my parents. It was so horrible. It’s so embarrassing, I’m blushing.
- Katie Holmes

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
- Erma Bombeck

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I’m king of the world!
- Titanic

Go ahead, make my day.
- Sudden Impact

May the Force be with you.
- Star Wars

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
- Dirty Dancing

Never judge a book by its movie.
- J. W. Eagan

I feel the need – the need for speed!
- Top Gun

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
- Gone With The Wind

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
- Love Story

What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke

I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.
- The Godfather

If I’m not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.
- Jim Carrey

Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb.
- Spaceballs

I guess sometime there just aren’t enough rocks.
- Forrest Gump

You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
- Fools Rush

I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
- Wizard Of Oz

All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.
- Sunset Blvd

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?
- The Cable Guy

Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.
- All About Eve

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
- Mike Myers

Tomorrow’s not just tomorrow. It’s like the future, y’know?
- She’s All That

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.
- Bill Murray

Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
- The Pride Of The Yankees

You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.
- Jim Carrey

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
- Steve Martin

Don’t make my mistake, kid. Don’t follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself.
- Barbatus

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.
- Walter Winchell

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
- Alfred Hitchcock

Good morning! And in case I don’t see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.
- The Truman Show

It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.
- Eddie Murphy

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
- John LeCarre

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
- Forrest Gump

Old age. It’s the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don’t look forward to being cured of.
- Bernstein

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.
- Horse Feathers

… well, I have a microphone and you don’t, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say.
- The Wedding Singer

Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat.
- Dumb and Dumber

You should have let me in on this. We could have planned it, prepared it, pre-sold the movie rights!
- Batman Forever

You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
- Duck Soup

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I dream for a living.
- Steven Spielberg

Working gets in the way of living.
- Omar Sharif

The harder I work the luckier I get.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

What do hookers do on their nights off type?
- Elayne Boosler

An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
- Lao Tzu

Work fascinates me, I can look at it for hours!
- Anonymous

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
- Huey Long

I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
- Robert Paul

Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
- Garbage Truck

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
- Anonymous

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

Sorry yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
- Anonymous

People are always available for work in the past tense.
- Volunteer Labour

No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
- Cheops Law

The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
- Jonas Salk

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
- Abraham Lincoln

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- Anonymous

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
- Anonymous

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
- John Ciardi

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome

Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
- Leslie Nielsen

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.
- Steve Martin

I didn’t have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.
- Martha Raye

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
- Jimmy Durante

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Anonymous

The Romans didn’t find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.
- Anonymous

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
- Charles Lamb

I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
- Clarence Darrow

If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
- Claude McDonald

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Anonymous

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
- Dwight Morrow

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
- Muhammad Ali

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.
- Anonymous

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
- Charlie McCarthy

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
- Henny Youngman

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
- Robert Frost

It’s a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
- Anonymous

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
- Robert Frost

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
- Anonymous

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
- Henry Ford

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
- Robert Frost

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
- Bove’s Theorem

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
- Slappy White

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
- Lane Kirkland

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.
- Archie Bunker

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell

I make a lot of money, but I don’t want to talk about that. I work very hard and I’m worth every cent.
- Naomi Campbell

People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
- Joey Adams

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
- Anonymous

In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
- Anonymous

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Man has will, but woman has her way.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Americans like fat books and thin women.
- Russell Baker

I like my whisky old and my women young.
- Errol Flynn

Women aren’t as mere as they used to be.
- Walt Kelly

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
- Kathy Lette

Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels.
- Kathy Lette

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Helen Gurley Brown

Women… can’t live with ‘em… can’t shoot ‘em.
- Ivan Turgenev

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Timothy Leary

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- Gloria Steinem

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
- Samuel Butler

What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
- Lord Byron

Girls are always running through my mind. They don’t dare walk.
- Andy Gibb

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
- Will Rogers

A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
- Adlai Stevenson

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
- Groucho Marx

Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.
- Agatha Christie

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
- Michael Caine

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
- Oscar Wilde

To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
- Rudolph Valentino

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
- Elsa Schiaparelli

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elayne Boosler

Why should I limit myself to only one woman when I can have as many women as I want?
- George Gershwin

Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl’s best friend is still a nearsighted man.
- Yoko Ono

The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
- Joseph Conrad

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Don’t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can’t wear in the evening.
- Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.
- Oscar Wilde

There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.
- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
- Lenny Bruce

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
- Yul Brynner

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
- W. C. Fields

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.
- James Thurber

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
- Charlotte Whitton

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
- Jack Benny

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.
- Chinese Proverb

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Writing is pretty crummy on the nerves.
- Paul Theroux

I write to escape … to escape poverty.
- Edgar Rice Burroughs

An incinerator is a writer’s best friend.
- Thornton Wilder

Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- T. S. Eliot

You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.
- Vladimir Nabokov

Writers, like teeth, are divided into incisors and grinders.
- Walter Bagehot

Writing is learning to say nothing, more cleverly every day.
- William Allingham

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.
- Wilson Mizner

If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
- Kingsley Amis

His books are going like wildfire everybody is burning them.
- George De Witt

People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
- Oliver Herford

Many thanks for your book. I shall lose not time in reading it.
- Benjamin Disraeli

It’s a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
- Andrew Jackson

The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.
- Herman Wouk

Dr Donne’s verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding.
- James I

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers.
- Irvin S. Cobb

A dramatist is a congenital eavesdropper with the instincts of a Peeping Tom.
- Kenneth Tynan

Backward ran sentences until reeled the mind.
- Wolcott Gibbs

Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales.
- Stephen Hawking

It’s a damn good story. If you have any comments, write them on the back of a check.
- Erle Stanley Gardner

The reminiscences of Mrs. Humphrey Ward … convinced me that autobiography is a sin.
- Harold Laski

They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.
- Winston Churchill

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- Dorothy Parker

The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable business.
- John Steinbeck

When he killed a calf he would do it in a high style, and make a speech.
- John Aubrey

You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5000.00-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.
- Joe Pasternak

A good novel tells us the truth about it’s hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

I just wrote a book, but don’t go out and buy it yet, because I don’t think it’s finished yet.
- Lawrence Welk

The secret of good writing is to say an old thing in a new way or to say a new thing in an old way.
- Richard Harding Davis

If you wrote a novel in South Africa which didn’t concern the central issues, it wouldn’t be worth publishing.
- Alan Paton

This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- Dorothy Parker

I thought I’d begin reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought why should I? He never reads any of mine.
- Spike Milligan

The censorious said that she slept in a hammock and understood Yeats’ poems but her family denied both stories.
- H.H.Munro

Waldo is one of those people who would be greatly improved by death.
- H.H.Munro

He was an author whose works were so little known they were almost confidential.
- Stanley Walker

This book of Italian literature shows a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.
- Oscar Wilde

Paradise Lost is a book that, once put down, is very hard to pick up again.
- Samuel Johnson

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Jimmy was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I cheated on you with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

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Dear wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it….These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new silk shirt.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever thecase, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

———————————————————————————-

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk shirt: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica !!!!! But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went on a date and spent all afternoon together.

Exhausted, they didnt realise the time and suddenyl noticed it was 8 PM.

The man hurried and told his lover to take his shoes and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,’I'm having an affair with my secretary. We were on a date all afternoon.

‘She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

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