Vote early and vote often.
- Al Capone

No, I look at the Senators and pray for the country.
- Edward Everett Hale

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
- Milton Berle

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Anonymous

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
- Adlai Stevenson

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
- Alben W. Barkley

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
- Frank Dane

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
- Edward Abbey

One thing I can say about George…he may not be able to keep a job, but he’s not boring.
- Barbara Bush

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
- Peter De Vries

Life is an incurable disease.
- Abraham Crowley

Life is simple, its just not easy.
- Anonymous

Born to be wild – live to outgrow it.
- Lao Tzu

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- Jean Paul Sartre

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
- Herbert Samuel

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
- Anonymous

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, I am with you kid Let’s go!
- Maya Angelou

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.
- Bertrand Russell

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
- John Barrymore

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
– Jim Davis

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers

I just thought of something funny…your mother.
- Cheech Marin

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
- Frank Zappa’s “Be-Bop Tango”

When you fool a fool you strike a blow for intelligence.
- Giacomo Casanova

An intellectual is a man who doesn’t know how to park a bike.
- Spiro Agnew

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Intelligence is like four wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
- Garrison Keillor

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Ahmad

Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.
- Billie Burke

A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
- Demetri Martin

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett

To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.
- Anonymous

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
- Anonymous

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
- Ken Dodd

If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, “You are wrong.” This method works every time.
- Henry Link

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.
- Anonymous

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
- Louis Agassiz

The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.
- Rogers Hornsby

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.
- Walter Lippmann

The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.
- German Proverb

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
- Bertrand Russell

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
- Sarah Brown

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
- Ethel Barrymore

The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
- Vidal Sassoon

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
- George Bernard Shaw

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.
- Richard Bach

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.
- Joe Girard

I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
- Billy Crystal

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
- Milton Berle

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

Humor is despair refusing to take itself seriously.
- Arland Ussher

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Proverb

Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Anonymous

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Robert Benchley

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Church gate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.
- Bill Cosby

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Earl Wilson

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
- Will Rogers

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super-fly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly!
- Eddie Murphy

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Ingrid Bergman

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
- John Gunther

Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
- Anonymous

In Hollywood, if you don’t have happiness you send out for it.
- Rex Reed

Happiness is a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
- Jean Jacques Rousseau

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
- Gertrude Stein

You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.
- Christy Turlington

A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
- Frank Sinatra

In Hollywood gratitude is Public Enemy Number One.
- Hedda Hopper

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.
- Walter Winchell

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
- Lionel Barrymore

The only reason I’m in Hollywood is that I don’t have the moral courage to refuse the money.
- Marlon Brando

Any cook should be able to run the country.
- Vladimir Lenin

I would dodge, not lie, in the national interest.
- Larry Speakes

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
- Kin Hubbard

World War II was the last government program that really worked.
- George Will

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
- Charles De Gaulle

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
- Woody Allen

Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.
- Josef Stalin

The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.
- James A. Garfield

Those who talk don’t know what is going on and those who know what is going on won’t talk.
- Larry Speakes

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers