If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.
- Frankie Boyle

Those who can do, those who can’t teach.
- George Bernard Shaw

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
- Ernest Hemingway

A good novel tells us the truth about it’s hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- G. K. Chesterton

I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
- Jim Loy

Death was Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
- Terry Pratchett

The man that runs away lives to die another day.
- A. E. Housman

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.”
- George Burns

I quit flying years ago. I don’t want to die with tourists.
- Billy Bob Thornton

Computers will never take the place of books. You can’t stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
- Sam Ewing

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- Edsgar Dijkstra

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.
- Robert Paul

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
- Robert Paul

My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.
- Robert Paul

A Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
- Ronald Reagan

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. ORourke

“A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.”
- George Burns

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!
- Steve Martin

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
- Bob Hope

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
- Billy Connolly

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
- Milton Berle

Man has will, but woman has her way.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I usually take a two hour nap from one to four.
- Yogi Berra

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century.
- Marshall McLuhan

“Trouble defies the law of gravity. It’s easier to pick up than to drop.”
- Johathan Raban.

“In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything.”
- Harold Coffin

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’
- Steven Wright

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
- Albert Einstein

If you rest, you rust.
- Helen Hayes

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
- Shelley Winters

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
- Woody Allen

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Steven Wright

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
- Robert Frost

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen

You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
- John Mendoza

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
- Paul Beatty

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
- Burt Reynolds

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick.
- Ogden Nash

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!
- Milton Jones

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
- Ellen DeGeners

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
- Les Dawson

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
- Paul Merton

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”
- Marty Feldman

“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
- Woody Allen

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He’s out there now…trying to win a trip back!
- Jerry Dennis

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
- Steven Wright

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

What you call dog with no legs?
Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.”

Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils …
- Louis Hector Berlioz

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
-Homer Simpson

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
- Abraham Lincoln

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

Man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck

Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.
- Robert Frost

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.
- Somerset Maugham

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
- W.C. Fields

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- George Burns

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1. Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!

2. Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

3. Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

4. Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.

5. Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from the weight!

6. Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.

7. Yo mama twice the man you are.

8. Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!

9. Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

10. Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.

11. Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

12. Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

13. Yo mama is missing a finger and can’t count past nine.

14. It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!

15. Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!

16. Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, “You ain’t gonna puch me ’round no more.”

17. I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world’s largest turtle.

18. Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.

19. Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.

20. Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn’t even serve Happy Meals.

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1. Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.

2. Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.

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1. Yo mama’s glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

2. Yo mama’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

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1. Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life

2. Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

3. Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”

4. Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!

5. Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

6. Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.

7. Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

8. Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

9. Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

10. Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

11. Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints

12. Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!

13. Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

14. Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said “What a treasure!” and her father said “Yes, let’s go bury it.”

15. Yo mama so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

16. Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

17. Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say “Wow, is it Halloween already?”

18. Yo mama so ugly they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower!

19. Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her!

20. Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

21. Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

22. Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

23. Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.

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1. Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

2. Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

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